Obama Revises Policy – Will Now Allow Unlimited Drilling

America’s dentists were relieved to hear that they will once again be allowed to drill. The president’s stated zero-tolerance policy towards drilling would have placed a permanent ban on all drilling. The lobbying group “Drill Me, Drill Now” presented the president’s representatives with a petition containing 1,330,880 signatures begging for relief. Spokesperson Hal E. Toesis clarified the intent of the “We Don’t Need no Stinkin’ Oil” bill, “president Obama recognizes the need to root out those pesky canals – and he feels your pain (his lower lip quivers and everything).” To further establish his empathy, he dribbled iced tea down the front of his white shirt while drinking from a glass. He blamed the unintended consequences of the bill on President George Boosh and his failed policies.

Ride-Sharing - Our Vehicle to Energy Independence

It’s a known fact that our use of petroleum products would decrease dramatically if we were able to transport more commuters with each gallon of fuel. A new bill (H.R. 1490) will be introduced Monday. Known as the Disadvantaged Urban Mobility Bill (D.U.M.B.), the bill will require wealthy citizens (annual income of $50,000 or more) to aid in the mobility of the poor. Whenever a wealthy person has any reason to use their vehicle, they will be required to drive to an inner city transfer hub, pick up a carload of the poor, and take them to “work,” (the major street intersection of their choice).

Any drivers attempting to circumvent the mandate would have their vehicle impounded and made available to disadvantaged youts to help them hone their hot-wiring and audio system removal skills. Improved education could lead to an Associate Degree in Enhanced Vehicle Acquisition and a more rewarding career in the growing orphan parts industry.

Scientists Discover Gender-bending DNA

“There’s still much work to do.” “We’ve made a great deal of progress, but we aren’t there yet,” was the primary theme of a seminar given by Yale Professor Himmso Befuddled. Dr. Befuddled revealed that DNA specimens from Rosie O’Donnell and Barney Frank were remarkably similar. In fact, they could hardly be distinguished from one another except for a single specific combination. Absent this one particular combination, Rep. Frank and Ms. O’Donnell would be the same person.

The most common form of chromosomal crossover is homologous recombination, where the two chromosomes involved share very similar sequences. The Frank/O’Donnell situation appears to be a case of recombination whereby the male/female combinations crossed over.

The crossover would account for the few differences between the two. For example, Rep. Frank’s delightfully effeminate lispth and larger breasts, and O’Donnell’s tendency to cuss, spit, and grab her groin. Another differential was Frank’s ability to silently “squeeze out” flatulence while Ms. O’Donnell proudly announced that she was the source of a particularly loud, foul-smelling release.

Obama, Congress to Push Redistribution Plan

The Obama administration, in concert with the democrat congress unveiled plans to submit H.R.1422, the “Pass the Ammunition” bill. Once signed into law, the bill would confiscate all ammunition from the wealthy (annual income of more than $50,000) and re-distribute it to the poor. “Our disadvantaged inner city citizens can’t afford to buy ammunition.” “It is class and race discrimination at its worst when the rich can stock up on hollow-points, +P and frangible loads and the poor can barely afford cheap and environmentally damaging lead handloads.” “How can you shoot nobody, when you ain’t got no bullets,” said Ifeelya Johnson, a block captain for the neighborhood crime-watch group, “Whitey Watch.”

Obama Already Having Impact on Fuel Prices

Drivers have president-elect Obama to thank for falling fuel prices. Even though “Four Dollar Bush” is still in office, the Big Oil companies have seen the future and voluntarily cut their obscene profits before being taken to the woodshed by “One Dollar Obama.” Even OPEC is praising falling revenues, knowing that it is a small price to pay to have a global-minded community organizer at the helm. “He will be much easier for us to deal with than that cowboy Boosh” said Ali Bin Hairy, OPEC’s Minister of Rhetoric.

Also taking credit for falling prices, Nancy Pelosi said, “Fortunately, the Congress passed energy legislation which brought the prices down.” “You can thank the democrat Congress for the plummeting gasoline prices,” Pelosi said. “When we took control of Congress following the 2006 elections, we said that we’d pass gas legislation, and pass gas we did.”

Obama Calls for a Summit Meeting of Heads of State

After receiving permission from First Lady Elect Michelle Obama, president-elect Obama sent invitations to Hugo Chavez, Fidel Castro, Bashar al-Assad of Syria, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to join him at in informal gathering to bond and share testosterone-laced activities.

Expected to be held at a yet to-be-determined South Beach hotel in Miami, entertainment is said to be poker, cigars, keg beer, stag films, and professional companions. Buy-in for poker is set as one million barrels of crude or one kilogram of fissionable material. To further entice the leaders, there will be a door prize of a next-generation Zumwalt-class Destroyer given to the lucky winner. All but Ahmadinejad have indicated their attendance; as he is reportedly holding out for a lap dance from Nancy Pelosi.

Obama Reveals His New Iraq Plan

“When I said that I’d bring the Troops home in sixteen months, I was referring to Euphronius Troop and Felonious Troop. The twins will receive orders to return to their U.S. bases early after my inauguration.” “Other military personnel will remain in Iraq under my new and improved plan, which will task them to support and train the New Iraq Army.” “Conditions on the ground and consultation with Iraq leaders will determine when the remaining 140,000 return home.”

Hailed as a radical departure from the failed Boosh plan, Obama explained that he had secretly been the chief architect of the “surge” that brought much of Iraq under control. A heated argument between Obama and General Patraeus ended when Obama intimidated the General and threatened to “kick his a$$.” Only then did the General relent and agree to the surge. And that his discussions with Nouri Kamal al-Maliki in July had led to the peace between Shiites and Sunni.

“In all humility, I can say that I alone have been responsible for organizing a communal peace in Iraq.”

Obama Responsible for 6,000,000 Saved Jobs

He promised to add 1,000,000 new jobs during his campaign, and as recently as last week increased the count to 2,500,000 jobs. Now, the administration-elect has determined that the jobs he has “saved” since his election is 6,000,000.

When asked how the number was calculated, spokesperson Jerry Mander explained: “Well, you take the 2,000,000 that would have been lost if the Republican plan to fire all school teachers had been implemented, and add the 2,000,000 that would have been eliminated if Boosh had closed all of the Starbucks and Dunkin Donuts shops, and finally add the 2,000,000 that would have been made jobless if Boosh had closed the United States Postal Service and all Federal Express offices, you arrive at the six million job figure.” He continued, “Because of president-elect Obama’s firm resolve and his negotiating skills, none of those things happened and six million jobs were saved.”